Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
