i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
