U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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