I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
