Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
