Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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