By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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