I wish I could teleport
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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