I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
