I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
