Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
