im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
