hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
