you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My penis needs a shock collar
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
