i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
