i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
