I can text with my tongue
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
