I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
