If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
