You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
