The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
