a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
