fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
