i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
