I think im going to throw up on grandma
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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