I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wish my penis had a tongue
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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