i would punch a child for taco bell
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
