8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
