He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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