im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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