arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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