Your dad touched me again.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
