mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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