I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
