I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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