Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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