so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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