I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
