so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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