I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
