i would punch a child for taco bell
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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