Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
