Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
