the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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