I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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