he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
