I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
