Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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