I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
