I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
